I took the shell off my racing snail to try and make him lighter and more aerodynamic. All it did was make him sluggish.
10 Likes
A classic
Sweden has a new Prime Minister. He is the ex CEO of IKEA and he is promising huge, sweeping changes and reforms. His first task though is to assemble the new cabinet
5 Likes
Got some male racing geese for sale if anyone fancies a quick gander
10 Likes
Just hired a limousine for £300, found out that doesn’t include a driver. Can’t believe it, all that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
12 Likes
Just found out my friend Gavin has passed away from a fatal bout of indigestion can’t believe Gav is gone
2 Likes
Now that’s a good one
Local petrol station has changed the air machine from a free one to one that charges 20p for use. This pissed me off a bit and I brought it up to the bloke behind the counter. All he could say was, “Well, that’s the price of inflation for you.”
5 Likes
Roger Moore had a car crash. The police asked him what gear he was in when he crashed.
“Safari suit and loafers, of course”
Is it bad that I didn’t even think of which gear the car was in? went straight to thinking what he was dressed like so at first it didn’t seem that much of a joke, more an anecdote.
1 Like
My Geordie friend died after being hit in the head with a jar of mayonnaise last week.
Bloody Hellman
My friend failed his aboriginal music exam the other day, so I asked him, did you redo it?
I bought a dog off a Blacksmith.
Soon as I got it home he made a bolt for the door.
Good jokes about white sugar are rare.
But brown sugar? Demerera
7 Likes
Two geordies in a cave, one says ‘why man, I can smell coconut like’
The other says ‘well you’re bounty’.
1 Like
They warned me not to lean over the edge of that tower in Paris.
Eiffel
Did you hear about the druk surgeon who did circumcisions?
he got the sack
Wow, shitness levels are peaking
2 Likes
Fuck no. That’s the bottom of the barrel.
1 Like
I laughed out loud at these. Excellent 
I’m DIYing christmas crackers tonight… stealing some of these to put inside.
Thanks!
Had an interview for a job as a blacksmith’s apprentice recently; he asked me if I’d ever shoed a horse before. I said, “no, but once I told a donkey to fuck off.”
9 Likes
Two hookers are on a street corner when a police car drives by. One says “You ever been picked up by the fuzz before?”
The other one says “Nah but Ive been swung round by the tits”
7 Likes
Just got banned from B&Q, some bloke in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking!!
Lucky I got the first punch in.
10 Likes
