Anonymous Stories Thread

I thought this could be a fun thread. Somewhere to tell your embarrassing, funny or horrific true life stories, past and present.

How do I turn on anonymous mode?
Click your avatar and hit the little spy button:
11-11-49-51

This happened to me last week.

I had been talking to this girl on the internet for a while, we met up a few times. She’d stayed at mine, I’d been to see her and such (she lives in a different city). It wasn’t right for me and I let her know, I wasn’t harsh just that I wasn’t really looking for anything more than being friends type crap.
I’d get the odd text off her over the next few months. Mostly just a smilie emjoi or some bollox like that, so I’d reply with the same. Thinking nothing of it.
Then I started getting pages of texts about her life story, how shit it’s been, how much she loves me! I do the best best thing possible and just ignore them, she’ll go away, right?
In the end I had to reply and say that I didn’t feel the same and I wouldn’t of called what we had even a relationship. The texts and trying to call me steadily get worse, I’m ignoring them still, block her on this app, she pops up on another, I’m not answering numbers I don’t know, type deal.
Then the other morning, first thing, I wake to someone knocking at my door, I peeked out my bedroom window, yes her! She’d took a train to come see me. I open the window and say ‘I’m not answering the door and to please go away’.
She starts scribbling notes and posting them through my letter box, along with breakfast bars, fucking breakfast bars!? Like I’m going to eat her kidnap, rape laced passioned food! She is still putting a right show on for the street to enjoy for a while, knocking, banging and shouting.
Then it goes silent. I look out and she is gone, thank God. So I get ready to go out, that’s when I notice that she has broken into my garden and is sitting there reading a book, chilling-out, waiting for me. I just leave her too it and go out the front door, when I get home she is gone, thankfully and haven’t heard from her again. I hope she has finally got the hint. Women be cray, cray.

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Fucking hell Les

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Don’t understand why you’d post that anonymously. One time I went on a date and this girl was late, turned up with her flatmate and a random businessman they’d picked up on an all day bender and then tried to swap his dog for coke in the pub beer garden. No joke.

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I run a very popular account on Instagram about dog penises.

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Seriously

No doubt in an educational capacity.

haha, basically created it to troll a friend by posting photos of her dog.

(Then they trolled me back by buying a heap of fake followers to try and make me think I was going viral… so not actually popular)

fuck, i posted a story about banging a bird in the arse in a public toilet and her farting bubbles on the old forum, i dont need to be anonymous to tell embarrassing stories.

wear them like a badge of honour

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Pls post again @telmernatorx that was legendary

ill copy and paste it from the old forum as im not trying it out again! it was pretty long

story 1
Right, towards the end of the time I was being used as a working class sex aid by this dirty middle class horse owning Doris she asked me to go with her as her sort of date to France with her and her family to the retirement do for some posh French relative. It wasn’t going to cost me anything and she was a dirty slag so I was all for it. Anyway after getting sticky fingers and a nosh on the ferry I was in a good mood when we landed en francais. The party was the same night we arrived so we got changed at the hotel and headed to a function suit at the old hotel. The party got going after dinner and I got shit faced on little French stubbies and was having a nice time. Earlier in the evening I had needed a piss and went to the toilet block thing outside which being over fifteen years ago and me being an uncultured mong at the time, surprised me by being a unisex toilet. Whatever I went into trap one and had a piss and went back in. Bit later on well arseholed I was outside getting some air and having a smoke, horse bird comes out well pissed and having a second wave of horn after the ferry fun and grabs my arm demanding I fuck her in the toilets. Fine ny me. We go in and into one of the stalls and start gettin it on, she’s all gagging for it and knickers pulled down and ready to go when she tells me she has no johnnys (she wasn’t on pill) I was like no worries I’ll nip out and get some assuming there would be a machine in the toilet block. No machine. So I am thinking thats that, she tells me I am going to have to fuck her up the arse then. The boy scout in me surprisingly didn’t have any lube on me, but in a lightbulb moment I remember seeing a liquid soap dispenser by the sink. I nip out the cubial again and grab a glob of make shift lube. after applying the lube to respective areas bum sex happens and everyone involved is having a nice time. After a few minutes I get a stinging in my old chap which gets worse and worse and I start to suspect that the soap my have been considerably stronger than I had thought. it gets to point where I cant take it and tell her I have to stop. now maybe it was the speed I pulled out as I was in desperate need to wash this liquid fire off of my cock or maybe she let out a fart as I pulled out I don’t know but not unlike when you get bubble soap round your mouth the anal exhale managed to blow two or three perfect bubbles out of her puckered ringer as I made my escape. on seeing the bubbles I nearly fell out of the cubical in tears of laughter with a stinging boner and my trousers round my ankles where I stood on tip toes trying to get my knob under the tap to was the soap from hell of my cock. was probably the funniest sight I have ever seen, it was like farting in the bath but without the water. anyway if there is anything take from this, I guess its don’t use industrial strength hand wash as anal lube unless you want to make some smelly bubbles. I might look her up on facebook now and remind her of it

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story 2
same bird again,

she just used to phone me randomly like so working class sex aid, one time she was leathered out with her friends in London after work and phoned me on the train home and said if I picked her up at the station as she was to leathered to see her parents if they picked her up I could take her somewhere and fuck her as a thank you. obviously I said yes. I picked her up and she was fucked out of her mind, she couldn’t even stand still she was just wobbling on the spot and she only had one shoe on. I was a bit like for fucks sake but I had driven down now and wanted my “petrol money” so to speak, I I got her in the car and drove to a quite spot to have a go, then just chuck her out at home, I only had a little metro at the time which was a two door so shagging in the back was a bit of a pain as you had to fold the seats forward etc, anyway she ambled into the back like an uncoordinated baby giraffe and ended up on all fours with her head resting on the parcel shelf looking like she was going to pass out, I had had enough by this point as she was pretty annoying anyway and fucking irritating when she was pissed, I had only come out to get my oats and I was pretty over that now anyway, but she still seemed “keen” or she kept saying it even though it sounded like she was falling asleep. so I decided to get on with it and whipped out the old chap and gave him a bit of encoragment as my entusasum and interest was going as she was talking shit, so I lifted her dress up whipped her knickers and tights down and got on with it, about ten seconds after I started she decided to start puking up all over the parcel shelf and down the back seat. I jumped off and literally dragged her out the car by her feet, leaving a trail of puke all down the back seat and over the seat and floor, it was like exorcist projectile sick. fucking grim I just stood there looking at this puke all over my metro, looked at the standing there with puke all over her tits and down her front, knickers and tights round her knees and one she on in disbelief. she then just started having a piss and fell over. I then had semi dress her drive her home, stand her infront of her front door, ring the bell and run off. my car was full of puke, the passenger seat was wet with piss and I had aching blue balls. I never picked her up when she was leathered again. she did pay for my car to be valeted though, every cloud and all that.

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story 3

same bird again
I once shagged a dirty middle class horsey bird in her horses stable with the horse still in there which was weird as I just stared at me and I was a bit worried it would attack me, she had all her riding shit on too which was rad, she also had nipples like digestive biscuits. afterwards I walked out the sable to go home and it turned out her mum was in the stable next door and heard everything, the fucking stink eye I got was amazing. but what do you expect when you repeatedly call her little princess a dirty little slag while very audiably slapping her arse and tell her she loves it. I also had to go back and after rather quickly hot footing it to my car to ask her mum to move her range rover as she had blocked me in. that was awkward.

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I once catfished my mates ex wife for a laugh. I sext her twice it’s ok

stop being pussies and posting anonymously, you know your mum isn’t going to join the forum and read it!

I met a bird once while smashed out of my skull in Camden. Did the usual exchange numbers but I honestly could really remember much about it or what she looked like. We arranged to meet up at the train station and I had to just wait untill they approached me as I couldn’t remember thier face. Luckily they did come up to me and my face said it all… she wasn’t what I remembered and I really wasn’t into her but felt bad so carried the date on. Being young the only way I knew to deal with shit was to skull booze so I just got cunted and we drifted of to this party. Half way through the night she took me outside and said she wanted me to fuck her doggy over by this fence, problem was, I couldn’t really stand, well I somehow got a semi and smashed it in, but I ended up smashing her through a gap in the fence into stinging nettles. Embarrassing enough? No, she got up and we went back to the house and she was really fucked up from the nettles, took her top off and her arms were covered in the gnarliest quantity’s of self harm scars I had ever seen. I didn’t know what to think, I didn’t like her, but took the free ride and bummed her into stingy nettles and now the whole party have discovered her million scars… I made like Usain Bolt and legged it almost all the way home, grabbed a kebab, had a wank and got a new SIM card the next day

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Glad to see that despite the forum moving the wordsmithery hasn’t.

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Hahahahaha no idea why this is relevant but so good

Jesus, my life is so vanilla

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When you wake up, hanging with jazzy pants, half a king donner in your back pocket, aching legs from an impromptu 10k and a phone filled with texts and voicemails reminding yourself you are a complete cunt for exposing a selfharmers scars to a whole party of people by accidentally bumming her through a fence into a pit of stinging nettles, you will go out and get a new SIM card too ha hahahah

It was the 2005 version of focusing your social media or making your insta private

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