I bought 2 pints of milk in Aldi yesterday.
It was an impulse buy.
I only went in for an angle grinder, a wetsuit and a 40ft ladder.
4 Likes
a cat went to the vets, and said “meow”.
“yes, but whereabouts?” said the vet
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A couple of odd things have happened to me today.
- I found a hat full of money.
- A man with a guitar ran after me.
12 Likes
Dave’s wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctors.
After tests the doctor suggests Dave’s wife may be overheating during sex. Dave refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After 20 mins of wafting, still no orgasm, so his friend suggests a swap.
“I’ll fuck her and you waft the towel”. Dave agrees and within seconds Dave’s wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever.
Dave turns to his friend slowly and says “and that, my friend, is how you waft a fucking towel!”
10 Likes
What’s the worst thing you can hear when you’re sucking off Willie Nelson?
“I’m not Willie Nelson”
3 Likes
My wife won’t stop moaning at me for spending £30 on a fake Rolex.
She’s been nagging since 1.83 o’clock.
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the shift key is the most useless key on the keyboard.
it doesn’t do anything.
don’t 2 me.
1 Like
doesn’t work for poor folk.
2 Likes
perhaps best said with a geordie accent.
rodneys’s friend brought an acoustic guitar to the BBQ.
nice guy but he could only daewon song
2 Likes
similarly:
two geordies in a cave.
‘why aye i can smell coconut like’
‘well ya bounty’
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The main guy behind USB recently died.
At the funeral they lowered the coffin down brought it back up turned it over and lowered it again
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In my experience they’d have then dug it up again and put it back the first way.
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oh my… quite hard (ahem) to concentrate on that joke
‘I’m sorry to say, your wife is divorcing you over your obsession with football stadiums’
‘On what grounds?’
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Yeah she doesn’t make it that easy for us.
Her account is basically a dad joke gold mine.
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Today Lance is quite a rare name.
Back in the day people were called Lancelot.
5 Likes
That reminds me: those little sachets of white sugar, you see them everywhere these days.
But the brown sugar ones? Demarara.
1 Like
I met my life partner at the Ken Loach Filmography season at our local cinema.
It started with a Kes
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Marriage guidance counsellor: “I’m sorry, Mr Mouse, but I just don’t think that your wife having buck teeth is reasonable grounds for divorce”
Mickey: “No, what I said was, she’s fucking Goofy”
2 Likes
