Shat myself on the way to the house of who would become my first proper girlfriend. We’d been out at Barfly, and I was drinking heavily so as to be funny and sexy, and we were walking back in the direction of her (parents’) house, hoping to get a taxi coming back into town. I needed to piss, so I went into some bushes (12:00 here, but with leaves on them and at night), to do a nice big piss. I’m pissing away, and she shouts that she’s got a taxi to stop, but if we don’t get in it right now, he’s leaving. I push the pish extra hard, and end up pushing a beer-shit into my boxers too.
Only think I had on me was a Spacemen 3 flyer from one of their first gigs that a customer at work had given me, so I had to fucking use that (and some dry leaves, like a cavemen) to wipe my shitty bum. I get inot the taxi, where she’s waiting, and crouch/hover over the seat. She immediately goes, “Hang on, this taxi stinks of shit! Check your shoes!” so I check my shoes and obviously there isn’t any shit there. Because it’s all in my pants. The taxi driver is fucking glaring at me in the rear view the whole way home, and I’m just trying to keep talking so she doesn’t think too much about the sudden smell of shit.
We get to hers, and just before she can (presumably) ask if I want to put a record on or have a drink, I ask where the toilet is and fucking run up the stairs to it. I had a poly bag in my backpack so I tie my shitty boxers up in that, and hose my arse down with the shower head, and return. It meant when we shagged later I had to be super careful getting undressed so I didn’t look like some kind of weirdo who wears jeans and no underwear, and I had to do a shift in a shop the next day, pantless, known my stinky breeks were in the bin on the street outside, tied up in a bag. I think they were Converse pants, and I definitely wasn’t wearing Converse at the time, so it was probably for the best but I wish I still had the (pre-wiping) flyer.
Very similar story to build where I drank guiness all night and got a text from a girl who was with with her mate and wanted a threesome. Left where I was and walked about 2 miles to get there and sharted about 200 meters from their house.
Answered the door and immediately asked for a shower as I said I’d been out all night.
Threw my shitty pants out the bathroom window into an alleyway behind their house.
It was easier to explain being commando as I was wearing shorts that could have passed as swimming shorts.
On the topic of where to/not to shit I read one of Romesh Ranganathan’s books on holiday a couple weeks ago and it has an entire hilarious and dry chapter dedicated to the topic, complete with unfortunate anecdotes.
Love seeing these signs in person- also western toilets should all have bum guns. So good and you feel so clean and fresh, apart from the first time you use one and accidentally five yourself an enema or spray the underside of your balls upwards
Oh man. She was amazing. That night we were at her brother’s ‘flat-warming’, and it was mostly just skateboarders but this one oddball rocker guy was there, uninvited (and that’s fine) but he started talking a load of shit. Can’t remember what it was about, but Marie went off and got some scissors and chopped the Michael Fabricant’s ponytail off and tossed it out the window.
[We went skating the next morning and the ponytail had landed on the railing outside:
But yeah, she was rad, and she was beautiful and for some reason I ended up in (her brother’s new) bed with her while the party raged. She went to the toilet to freshen up, and I got comfortable in the bed. So comfortable, in fact, that I sharted. She came in just as I was flipping the mattress over, and kind of understood my hastily-developed reasoning that it’d be weird to have sex on her brother’s bed before he’d even slept on it.
